I am a sensitive person, and I know it. I also have a good memory, and can remember what people talk about and comments they make to me and how they act quite vividly. Tonight I went to my running club. As I was driving there, my goal was to run 5 or 6 easy miles, nothing faster than a 8:30 pace. I show up, thinking that the majority of people I typically run with on Thursdays will be there as well, only to find 5 others. None of my friends came, most likely because they just ran the marathon.
Mentally, I was upset with myself for not talking to them beforehand, but just assuming they'd be there. The 5 people there were 4 guys who run their marathons in less than 3 hours and a girl who just ran a 3:20 at Chicago. And me. I should have stopped beating myself up for being there. I went their with the right intentions - to run. Since there is a "no drop" rule in the club, I immediately felt bad for the rest. Although they were doing recovery miles, our pace gradually increased each mile. We took a new route tonight so I couldn't even turn around on my own because I didn't exactly know where I was. I was having more and more negative thoughts.
I was with the group for the first 5 miles, each of which were getting faster. My legs were tired by then and I wanted to slow down. By that point, I decided that I just didn't care. I wanted to go slow and was going to. So be it if one of them had to slow down to run with me. I was not racing, nor should have I been on that run. My last mile was 7:35. I hope my legs will forgive me tomorrow.
Part of the reason why I had such bad thoughts during my run tonight was because I do not like to be last. I don't like being thought of as slow. I especially hate it when I doubt myself. During my marathon, I was shown that the mind is powerful. If you believe you are defeated, you are. If you think you are running well, you most likely are. I need to remember that I run for me. It is something that I like and makes me feel more alive. I should not have these thoughts, but that is easier said than done.
I'm so glad tomorrow is Friday. I need the weekend to get here.